When I knew that Miss L's kindergarten graduation pictures were being taken, I fully expected to cry once I got them.
However, when I pulled them out of her backpack, surprisingly, I didn't.
I guess this was primarily because when looking at the pictures, it was Miss L herself that looked near tears.
I stared at this picture of this girl of mine and hardly recognized her face.
One, she looked older than how I see her in my minds eye, and two, she did not have her casual smile that I am used to seeing nor the mischievous sparkle in her eyes. If anything, it looked as if the sparkle was caused by the dampness of imminent tears...(or water drops, as Mr. B likes to call them.) She had her lips pulled tight and in my mind it seemed as if it was to keep it from trembling. In all likelihood, it was probably one of her forced smiles.......but to me it just seemed sad.
Maybe this is a good reminder for me. I have often vocalized how much she is growing and how I long for her to always be my baby. And she will. But I think she is aware of how much I need her to need me. Call it dysfunction....call it what you want.
It is what it is.
But I don't want her to worry about those things. In fact, I don't want her worrying about anything......especially change. It is after all, the only thing that is guaranteed.
It is hard. Especially for me. If you haven't already guessed it, I am not exactly good with the whole change thing either. Shocking isn't it?
I think that several things have contributed to this. I am sure genetics play a part. However, I do believe that a primary contributor to this is the fact that before children, I had never loved this much, nor had I ever felt as loved. I hurt at the possibility of this changing.
Possibility. No, that is the wrong word. It isn't possible. It is certain.
She will grow up and she will become independent. As will her brother. A day will come when my children's insatiable need for me slips silently away.
I know that deep down this is what I really want for her. This is what she needs to be and who she needs to become.
Maybe I will hide my aching heart and hold back the pressing tears. For her.
I want her to go through life, looking FORWARD to every new adventure and journey awaiting. I don't want her anxiously looking BACK......
And so I will try.
And try is all I can do.