Friday, May 08, 2009

Try, try and try again

When I knew that Miss L's kindergarten graduation pictures were being taken, I fully expected to cry once I got them.

However, when I pulled them out of her backpack, surprisingly, I didn't.

I guess this was primarily because when looking at the pictures, it was Miss L herself that looked near tears.

I stared at this picture of this girl of mine and hardly recognized her face.

One, she looked older than how I see her in my minds eye, and two, she did not have her casual smile that I am used to seeing nor the mischievous sparkle in her eyes. If anything, it looked as if the sparkle was caused by the dampness of imminent tears...(or water drops, as Mr. B likes to call them.) She had her lips pulled tight and in my mind it seemed as if it was to keep it from trembling. In all likelihood, it was probably one of her forced smiles.......but to me it just seemed sad.

Maybe this is a good reminder for me. I have often vocalized how much she is growing and how I long for her to always be my baby. And she will. But I think she is aware of how much I need her to need me. Call it it what you want.

It is what it is.

But I don't want her to worry about those things. In fact, I don't want her worrying about anything......especially change. It is after all, the only thing that is guaranteed.

It is hard. Especially for me. If you haven't already guessed it, I am not exactly good with the whole change thing either. Shocking isn't it?

I think that several things have contributed to this. I am sure genetics play a part. However, I do believe that a primary contributor to this is the fact that before children, I had never loved this much, nor had I ever felt as loved. I hurt at the possibility of this changing.

Possibility. No, that is the wrong word. It isn't possible. It is certain.

She will grow up and she will become independent. As will her brother. A day will come when my children's insatiable need for me slips silently away.

I know that deep down this is what I really want for her. This is what she needs to be and who she needs to become.

Maybe I will hide my aching heart and hold back the pressing tears. For her.

I want her to go through life, looking FORWARD to every new adventure and journey awaiting. I don't want her anxiously looking BACK......

And so I will try.

And try is all I can do.


Anonymous said...

She looks like an adult...sadness.

~Sharn Jean

The Sour Kraut said...

I understand how you feel. I remember hearing that from the time they take their fist step, they are working on their independence from you. Yes, little by little you have to let go. I think there will be a time when you realize how fun it is when they're growing up. You enjoy them in a whole different way. That's what's happening with me anyway.

I'm feeling like a lost soul right now. Both my boys are into spending time with their friends and are favoring The Swede. There is no place for me it seems. I milked Mother's Day for all it was worth yesterday. (It normally is second to M's birthday celebration.) It's heartbreaking. I feel spoiled and immature telling The Swede that I feel left out. They missed him for so long when he was sick, I should be happy about this new closeness to him.

I agree with your decision to put on a brave face for Miss L. We anxious people need to remember that our actions pass on the anxiety to our kids. They don't need that. BREAK THE CYCLE!! BREAK THE CYCLE!!

The Sour Kraut said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kim said...

I know, TSK, and there is nothing I want to do more than "break the cycle".

I want my kids to be they should be- and they usually are.

My kids often favor spending time with Steven. It is hard to swallow and I have told them before that I don't like being left out. I think this prompted Steven to buy the wagon. He and the kids used to ride horses together and I would be at home..... some times the time alone was nice, but most of the time I felt like I was missing some important conversation, funny thoughts, or what will eventually become a good memory.

That being said, I don't really blame the kids. Steven is by FAR the more fun parent. Hands down.

Omaha Mama said...

What a precious picture!
I just wrote a similar post about my B. It was immediately prior to the banana muffin post. My B's in kindergarten too. It hit me that someday she won't be my little girl and sometimes that's just too much to take!