I thought that I was struggling at home, fighting the reality that is now my life, only to find that our reality got a little more...uh...real, when Steven spiked a fever at one of his regularly scheduled appointments on Tuesday, scoring a re-admission to the hospital.
And the hospital, my friends, is where we "celebrated" his 42nd birthday on Wednesday and have spent each day since. Apparently this year the place to be on your birthday is St. Louis. More specifically, Barnes.
Today was rough. Today I found myself lacking any sense of peace that I had thought I had secured.
The fever that Steven is running is now believed to be caused by the leukemia. He had came home from the hospital in June on 80 mgs of prednisone to keep the Graft Vs Host disease in check. Once home, the doctor, when noting that the blasts in his blood had increased, had decided to start backing off the steroid at a faster rate than we had been going, hoping the donor cells would kick in and help the outpatient chemo to do it's job.
The steroid, as it turns out, was also masking a fever that he never broke during his last hospitalization, and the reduction of the steroid was enough to allow it to break through.
So now, Steven is battling a fever, a rapid heart rate (due to fever), and recurring Graft vs Host Disease.
If the explanation of what is going on with Steven sounds complicated you can't even begin to imagine how complex the disease itself actually is.
It learns how to adapt to survive chemo. It learns how to adapt when you no longer eat. It learns how to adapt to present itself as "safe" to your immune system.
It is smart enough to kill you.
A few people have offered advice and suggestions on things to do to aid in Steven's healing, and I appreciate their concern and their support. However, some "advice" I have received has came from an individual that sadly is uninformed on the complexity of the issue at hand.
And it is sad.
I can't imagine sitting at a computer and issuing medical advice to someone I don't know, about an issue I have no personal experience with, and shaming them for following a treatment prescribed by someone who has spent time and money educating themselves about this very disease.
And, apparently, it may come as a surprise to some that not everything you read on the Internet is true.
I love my husband. You can't even imagine how much. I fell in love with him when I first saw him. I was in the sixth grade.
No one wants him healed as much as I do.
However, we have put our trust in God and our physician. Jointly. I truly believe that everyone we have been in contact with at the hospital wants my husband to beat this disease.
God can use whatever avenue He wants to heal someone. For some, maybe it is divine intervention. For others it is through the hands of the doctors and nurses. And for some, the healing doesn't happen on this earth.
However, I pray that Steven's healing is of this world and in this lifetime. Regardless of your stance regarding modern medicine, the most beneficial thing you could do for our family is to pray for this too.