Thursday, September 18, 2014

The L Word (Part 5)

Monday was another good day for Steven.  He had completed his chemo earlier in the morning.  Around 3 a.m.

We keep waiting for the bottom to fall out like they had told us it would, but he keeps going strong.  Like I said, he is tough.

I was planning on going home to be with the kids Monday night, when a nurse entered the room and told me that Dr. Holden had called and asked me to stay.  He would be in at 9:30 p.m.  It was 7:00 pm.

2 ½ HOURS

We could think of no other reason that he would want me to stay other than having received the bone marrow results.  My mind was racing and turning over every possible outcome in my head and lingered longest on the outcomes that would be the worst.

I was sick.  Again.

I had decided that morning that I didn’t need the meds anymore.  I was now rethinking that decision.

I wrote out a text to my sister asking her if she would come, because I thought we might need her.  I deleted it before sending it.  I had to start standing on my own.  As if reading my thoughts, a text came through.  Sarah and Dad were on their way up.

And the waiting began.

*****

Dr. Holden was thirty minutes later than expected.  When the door opened I took a deep breath.  He walked in, made small talk with my dad, and sat down in the recliner in our hospital room.

He started out by saying, “Unfortunately…. “

Unfortunately.

I took a deep breath and tears started streaming.  Steven later told me that he immediately got hot all over.

Unfortunately.

He continued by explaining that “unfortunately” the kind of leukemia that Steven has, AML Inversion 3, couldn’t effectively be treated here.  We would be going to Barnes in St. Louis.  He stated that he could continue treating him, and probably get him to go into remission, but that it would eventually come back.

We don’t want it to come back.

He felt that going to Barnes, and receiving a bone marrow transplant, would offer him a cure.  We would be there, in St. Louis, for at least a month.

But he could be cured.

I started breathing again, and started recovering from the “unfortunately”.  This was not ideal.  Not by far.  But it was better than not having hope.

Cure…with remission as the worst case given, seems doable.  (I am sure there are worst cases, but it wasn’t mentioned to us and I refuse to consider them at this point.)

But at times, the road getting there, seems to be so long.  A nurse warned Steven just today not to let the time frame get him down.  He is strong, but he is also a free spirit, used to working outside and not used to being caged. 

He will feel like he is caged.

In approximately a week and a half, we make our way to Barnes for what I understand to be a consultation.  I’m not sure how long that will take.  We will then come back to Springfield for two more abbreviated rounds of chemo. 

Then, we will be off to St. Louis again.  This time for a month.  My prayer is that when we return, Steven’s health will be on its way to being restored.  Please make this your prayer too.

*****

My hope is that this strengthens my children’s faith.  I know that they believe, I am sure that they question, I just hope they don’t doubt. 

Blake questioned how it was we discovered the leukemia and I said that it was simply fullness in daddy’s throat which ended up being simple acid reflux that brought him here and in the process of figuring that out, they ended up discovering the cancer.  He surprised me by lifting his face to the sky and raising his hands, and saying, “Thank you God!”

Unfortunately, I for one know that in one moment you can feel like your every prayer has been answered and the next moment feel as if God has turned His back on you. 
 
He hasn’t.  My heart knows this. 

But sometimes, selfishly, it just feels like it. 

It is imperative that my children learn to make the distinction between how you feel, and what is the TRUTH.  And I pray that I can impress the difference upon their hearts and minds.

Please pray for this too.
*****

Blake asked me while walking through the hospital, “Why did God decide to put our family through this?”
 
It hurt me that I didn’t know, and it hurt me that he had questions I couldn’t answer.  My mind, and my heart, answered “Why not us? Why someone else? Would their pain be less?” 
 
I told him what I believed.  I don’t know, but I have to believe that this is all happening for a reason.  There HAS to be something good that will come out of this.  We may not know right now, but someday we will know.”

He thought for a while and asked, “Like, when daddy comes back from St. Louis, and is cured, will I go to church and God will speak to me and tell me why this happened?”

I told him that God might answer him then, but most likely, he might not know until this life is over. We all may go our lifetime with unanswered questions, but I pray that my children have peace knowing that this disease, and Steven having it, will not be for nothing. 

Please make this your prayer too.

 

5 comments:

Manda said...

I pray many things for your family. I will add these things to the list. Love you all!

Anonymous said...

Kim, Steven and Family,
I will pray for you everyday and may God comfort you all and always know our God is great.

Rachel Myers said...

You are amazing, Kim, and much stronger than you could ever give yourself credit for. Prayers for your whole family always.

Rachel

Anonymous said...

Kim you are one of the strangest people I know, you have the biggest heart, you have said things while shelby has been there that she still repeats, you don't give yourself enough credit, talk to shelby for 5 min, she will tell you have "awesome you are!!

Danny Santos said...

I sent this to Sara and I'm sure she shared it with you Kim but after reading this blog it was truly were I wanted to post it - I'm new to blogs and didn't understand how to post - but this is a work in progress that I'm trying to edit and finish for a flyer to share in ministry outreach.



Why does God allow suffering?

Is it wrong to ask this? Apparently not look at Habakkuk chapter 1 verses 3 and 13 reads : Must I forever see these evil deeds? Why must I watch all this misery? Wherever I look, I see destruction and violence. I am surrounded by people who love to argue and fight.

But you are pure and cannot stand the sight of evil. Will you wink at their treachery? Should you be silent while the wicked swallow up people more righteous than they? (Habakkuk 1:3, 13 NLT)
So you see this has been on mans mind for thousands of years

And Many have asked this question at some point and time in there life.
Wether it was a sickness in them self or a family member such as cancer or kidney failure. And you watch them suffer so.

Or a major Mother Nature disasters such as Hurricane Katrina where in 2005 there was 1,833 deaths and so many homeless and still today has not truly recovered. In 2010 Haiti earthquake killed over 200,000 and over 2 million were homeless but these kind of great natural disasters are not new in 1138 yes 1138 in Syria in the city of Aleppo there was a earthquake that claimed 230,000 life's and this city was destroyed to never recover.

So we my ask the question why didn't God create the world without such things as death , sickness, people demented that would kill others or even such natural disasters as we have seen.

Well HE DID. Read in Geneses 1:31 all he made was good.

But in God is Love and God wanted us humans to poses his greater quality yes Love. But the only way to have or show love is to have free will and a choice to chose to do things that show such love.

So God being a God that keeps his promise and always chooses to be honest and a God of his word he told Adam and Eve and said : The LORD God placed the man in the Garden of Eden to tend and watch over it. But the LORD God warned him, “You may freely eat the fruit of every tree in the garden— except the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. If you eat its fruit, you are sure to die.” (Genesis 2:15-17 NLT)
Adam and Eve rebelled against God. And In effect, they said: ‘We do not need The Heavenly Father as our Ruler. We can decide for ourselves what is right and what is wrong.’ How can God settle that issue? How could he teach us all intelligent humans that Satan was wrong and that Gods way truly is best for us? Someone might say that God should simply have destroyed the rebels and made a fresh start. But God had stated his purpose to fill the earth with the offspring of Adam and Eve, and he wanted them to live in an earthly paradise. (Genesis 1:28) God always fulfills his purposes. (Isaiah 55:10, 11) Besides that, getting rid of the rebels in Eden would not have answered the question that had been raised regarding Gods right to rule and his true Love.

A lot of times you’ll hear people say: “If God has the power to eradicate evil and suffering, then why doesn’t He do it?” And the answer is that because He hasn’t done it yet doesn’t mean He won’t do it.

And the Bible says that the story of this world isn’t over yet. It says the day will come when sickness and pain will be eradicated and people will be held accountable for the evil they’ve committed. Justice will be served in a perfect way. That day will come, but not yet.

So what’s holding God up? One answer is that some of you may be. He’s actually delaying the consummation of history in anticipation that some of you will still put your trust in Him and spend eternity in heaven. He’s delaying everything out of His love for you. SecondPeter 3:9 says: “The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.