Sunday, January 03, 2010

Counting sheep and regrets

I have waited for this moment for over two weeks.

Planning and preparation has consumed me all of this time. I knew that once over, I would finally relax.

However, I was wrong.

You see, tonight, approximately 40 people visited my house to celebrate the college graduation of my sister and brother-in-law.

I had spent almost every moment of my spare time in the last two weeks either cleaning, organizing, making arrangements, or worrying about this party.

For the past two days I have been more physically exhausted than I remember being in a long, long time.

For example, two days ago I started by cleaning my curtains. Upon replacing a curtain on the rod, I noticed a magazine rack that needed to be cleaned out. I sorted through the piles and decided to take the scrapbooking magazines to the basement (where I scrap). Once in the (unfinished) basement, I decided that it needed to be rearranged. Two hours later, when returning upstairs, I decided that the stairs needed painting and so I woke up yesterday morning and had them painted by noon.

Tonight the party has started and ended. Everyone has left and probably arrived back at their homes. My husband and kids are in bed and yet the coveted sleep (and rest) that my heart has desired for days eludes me.

Could it be that my conscience is bothering me?

As I tucked my daughter into bed, I thought about the fact that Christmas vacation ends Monday. Back to school and back to my normal work schedule. I won't have as many uninterrupted days with her, as I have the last week and a half, until summer vacation.

Instead of filling up the days with board games and playing karaoke, I have spent it doing "things". Sure we decorated Christmas cookies and spent days celebrating Christmas with family. I sang an occasional karaoke song or two with her in the comfort of her bedroom and we took buggy rides as a family. But there were several days that I spent doing "things" that didn't HAVE to be done in preparation for our guests. I was doing these "things" in order to quiet the voice in my head that is constantly ridiculing me and telling me that I am not good enough.

Where will this leave me when my daughter is grown and it isn't the voice in my head telling me of my short comings, but my daughter, a grown woman, standing before me, resenting me, her mother, for all the "things" I didn't take the time to do with her.

3 comments:

~*Michelle*~ said...

Go easy on yourself, mama.....we all have times where we get wrapped up in those "things".

How about making a girls' night with her next weekend.....maybe a manicure and then a movie?

Manda said...

Good Lord woman! i wish i could knock you up side the head sometimes...you are a WONDERFUL mama!!!! if God intended for us to spend every single waking moment focused on our children, ignoring the rest of the world, he wouldn't have given us "things" to do!!! i think its great you hosted that by the way! hope all went well and im sure everyone had a wonderful time!

The Next Phase said...

Okay, Kim, you have really got to learn to relax and not take life quite so seriously. I agree with Manda in that we aren't meant to spend every waking moment focused on our children (parents who do that tend to raise very self-absorbed, co-dependent children). At the same time, I agree with you that sometimes those "things" you obsess over aren't really important...it's just that stupid voice in your head telling you that you aren't good enough. That voice is absurd because everyone who meets you immediately falls in love with your frankness, honesty, and humor. They could care less about what your house looks like (which is always clean and beautiful), how skinny you are (you always look great), or what your last name is. I think I need to get you one of those tapes that you listen to while you sleep that tells you over and over again how amazing you are.