Wednesday, October 01, 2014

Mile markers and Landmarks

Today a mile marker on our journey came into view. 

For four weeks now, we have been on this road, not really knowing how much progress was made each day.  There are obvious landmarks passed, such as the end of the first round of chemo, but after you lose sight of those landmarks most of your time is spent not knowing how far down the road towards recovery you've actually gone.

Today we found out.  Steven's blood count is trending upwards now, and it is even possible that he might be discharged as soon as Friday. 

He has an appointment scheduled for him at Barnes in St. Louis, Tuesday, October 7th.  It is at this time we will hopefully get more information regarding their treatment, and his transplant. 

We also learned that because his doctor will be gone, Steven will not start his second round of chemo, here in Springfield, until the 14th. 

This translates into almost a week and a half spent at home.

For Steven, I am overjoyed.

For the kids, I am ecstatic.

But, honestly, I am a little worried.

Steven doesn't do "taking it easy" well.  He already feels as though he has fallen behind in work and he says that he has "a lot of stuff to do around the house", but when I ask him what I can do, or what needs to be done, he doesn't really know.  I know that it isn't actually obligation that makes him need to be on the move, it's just that Steven doesn't rest when he has been working full time. I know it will be next to impossible for him to sit still knowing that he has been absent from his "normal life" for over a month.

I'm hoping that the doctor puts the fear of God in him.  It can not be beneficial for Steven to wear himself down prior to going into round two of chemo.  I want him to have his strength and I pray that he goes through the second round as smoothly as he went through the first.

Please pray that too.


Having a week and a half at home has also pushed the potential timeline for "completion" back even further.  I know that I am borrowing worry, and that things rarely go as planned, but IF things go smoothly, and Barnes IS ready for us at the end of round 2, then we will most certainly be in St. Louis during Thanksgiving and, most likely, Christmas.

I know they are only holidays.  I know that in the big scheme of things they don't matter.  Thanksgiving and Christmas aren't about a place, but a feeling, and family. 

However, knowing the excitement that surrounds that time of year, I want my kids to still have that excitement, and I will do my best to make it happen.  I know that worrying about something as trivial as that, is just that, trivial.  However, I am trying to grow and to learn.  I am used to clinging to a false sense of control.  Giving it up, and letting it go, is hard to do.


A lot of the worry that I place upon  myself is unnecessary and unimportant.  I am finding that, by worrying, I have not been giving my kids enough credit.  Although I want them to have a life that is as close to normal as it can be, they prove to me that they KNOW what is important, regardless of whether they are living a normal life or not.

In fact, Lakyn sent these things with me, to give to her daddy:

On the back of the picture she wrote "I love you so much daddy.  Don't worry.  As long as you get better this won't bother me.  I love you.  You are an Amazing dad.  I miss you every day-every night.  We can do this together.  You are the best dad ever.  I could not live without you and mommy.   Love you, Lakyn"

On the sheet of paper are notes from her Adventure Bible that she jotted down.  They are verses that she felt would be beneficial to her daddy.

They were beneficial to me too.

My kids are constantly teaching me.

The verses might be beneficial to you too....  The paper says,

"Words From Bible"

  • God's voice thunders in wonderful ways.  We will never understand the great things He does.
  • Abram believed in the Lord...His faith made him right with the Lord.
  • I will certainly bless you, because you have obeyed.
  • I am with you.  I will watch over you everywhere you go.
  • The Lord gives "YOU" strength.  I will sing to Him.
  • We will do everything the Lord has told us to do.  We will obey Him.
  • I will go with you and I will give you rest.
  • He is the Lord.  We trusted in him.  Let us be filled with joy because He saved us.
  • You will find peace and rest when you turn away from your sins.  Depend on Me and you will receive the strength you need when you stay calm and trust in Me.
  • The Lord is our King and he will save us.
 She then wrote, "I hope you enjoy it.  I love you so much. -Lakyn

Blake has also looked outside of himself and the struggles that he has been forced to face.  He commented the other day that he was placed with the perfect teacher to be with him during "our current situation".  He went on to say that his teacher had faced hard times, and losses of her own, and that she knew how tough things could be.  

Especially in this time, I am so thankful that he hasn't been blinded to the blessings that are currently in his life.


Leave it to my kids to help put things back into perspective.  Mile markers and landmarks on our current journey are of no importance when compared to the mile markers and landmarks of life. 

Please pray that I keep my perspective clear.  God has a plan.  We are on His road.  Mile markers and landmarks aren't necessary when you let someone else lead the way.


Linda said...

You have such a gift for words and GOD gave you that gift,your daughter's words to her daddy and her bible verses was also a gift from GOD !
Let that light shine and take it one day at a time there is nothing that God cannot see you through , his coming home, Christmas, whats ahead GOD IS THERE WITH YOU EVERY STEP OF THE WAY and so are your friends.
ENJOY each minute, hour & days and leave the rest to GOD !!!!! Love to you all :)

Lori Smith said...

I am addicted to your blogs..But your blog yesterday really spoke to me.
Each one of us continue to tell you how amazing you are and strong you are...but not asking,"How are you really holding up?"
You can only put on that strong front for so long before you collapse. From reading all your comments, I believe you have an amazing support group. Make sure you reach out and you ask them to help hold you up, by allowing you to cry, scream, talk or whatever you need when they are present. You NEED that.
I hear you continually say, He is the stronger one, he is the fun one, he is the better one of the two of you...That is not true and you are proving that daily.
You have stepped up and have allowed God to work in your life in such a way that you are remaining strong on the outside. Even though you are bursting on the inside. HE is your strength. God knew you would need Him through this. He is the one giving you the words and the strength to pull through this. You are making your husband proud. If anyone knows you and the way that you feel and all your insecurities and all your weakness, its your husband. And he sees you pulling the family together and going on with life the way he would need you to do.
So give yourself credit where credit is do.
YOU ARE AMAZING...even if on the inside you don't feel it.
And He is able to start his healing process because of all you are doing.
Continuing prayers and believing in Steven's full healing and a healing in your hearts...God Bless you Kim...

kjk said...

Let go, and let God.

Arreian Santos said...

You have the most beautiful children inside & out WOW!! Please kiss them for me tell them i love them & im very proud of them..Kim your mind constantly runs a mile a minute. You're a very creative woman with soo much love & support you all won't miss a beat come the holidays mainly because of your imagination(which is where your kids get it from) Family, Love & Laughter. Sooo you ALL Good & besides that...#Powerinprayer# #Oneaccordfor# #Steven# ;-)

Marlana said...

I'm so glad to hear that Steven will get to be home soon, even if it's only for a short while. I will pray that he understands his limits and tries to abide by them to keep himself strong for his second round of treatments. If there is anything we can help with so that he's not overdoing it, please, please let us know.

Your kids are a blessing! It warms my heart to hear and see what they are doing throughout this time. They have had some discussions at school during class over the last two weeks and they are truly brave.

We're keeping you covered in prayer! :)