Monday, August 30, 2010

One of those days?

Have you ever had one of those days? Maybe two?

You know the kind.

You get out of bed to what seems like a normal morning. Everything is as it should be.

And then, without warning, out of the hits you.

All of a sudden you go from thinking about how good your life is, to thinking about everything that is wrong with it.

Maybe wrong, is a little strong of a word.

In fact, even while typing it, I thought to myself, "wrong?.?.?.....I wouldn't say that anything is wrong in my life....."

But, for the life of me, at this moment, I am unsure of how to better explain it.

Rather, I will give an example.

This morning, instead of being thankful for the fact that I am able to work part time, I find myself wallowing in the jealousy pool that I wasn't able to be a full-time stay at home mom the years prior to my kids starting school.

In my mind I have romanticized "play dates" and "mommy's day out". I have envisioned going to bed at night knowing that I didn't have to go anywhere the next day. One day of playing turning into another day of playing.

Normally I am perfectly content, and in fact, feel EXTREMELY blessed that I was able to be with my children as much as I was. I never, in my wildest dreams, thought that I would be working part time, have a wonderful husband, two beautiful kids and a warm, cozy place that I love to call home, but today, I am wrestling with the jealousy monster.

I am ashamed of this. I really am.

Normally, I tell Steven how thankful I am for our life. In fact I have told him before that I "want for nothing".

Now, do not mistake this as me saying "I have everything", because that is NOT the case. I do not. But I find that I am so content with what I have that it is almost alarming. Personality-wise, I think it would be safe to generally categorize me under the "I pick everything about myself apart" column. That is why my contentment with my life is so monumental.

Until today.

Today I am reading blogs and thinking "look at their house", or "she dresses up and stays home with her kids", "look how THEY take long walks at the park", or "they get to do this....."

I am jealous of people I don't know, houses I have never seen, and circumstances that might not even be as "picturesque" on the inside as they are on the outside. Even if they are....good for them!

Generally speaking, when I compare myself to others I see my shortcomings....but I am not jealous.

Today? Total jealousy.

So, excuse me now while I try to detox my mind, ask God for his direction and forgiveness, and thank Him for this wonderful life that He has provided me....... In the meantime? Well, I think that today I should stay away from everyone else's blog.

It will just be better this way. Otherwise I will quit my job (which won't help since my kids are now in school), want to finish my basement, redecorate the entire upstairs and try and weave together grapevines out of our woods to make baskets big enough to store all of this "PATHETIC" that I have lying around.....

Lets face it....I don't have that kind of energy today.

Hopefully I will be much more zen, and content, tomorrow.


1 comment:

Manda said...

im sure these bloggers arent blogging the REAL day...what kind of blog would that make..LOL. it has to be painted as a perfect, june cleaver kind of day. personally, i was a stay home mom with both my kids before they started school and i am FULL of regrets and "coulda shoulda woulda's". i felt like every single day should have been like those "blogged" days you are describing. the truth is, every day isnt as perfect as presented in a blog. sure, we had some great days with activities and excitement, but no more than you have created with your children on your "part time" stay home mom days:) you are an awesome mom:) you know what is happening here, dont you? this is part of "going through the steps of grief" now that your baby is in school:) i went through the exact same thing..pure guilt-the unspoken stage. LOL!