Imprinted On My Heart
Saturday, September 10, 2016, Steven celebrated his first re-birthday. It was a day that the kids and I, and I am certain Steven as well, had hoped and dreamed about. Making it a year seemed a milestone that, this winter, seemed almost unreachable.
Weeks, marked off by trips to St. Louis, passed and gave way to months...and now we have found ourselves at the year mark. And it seems surreal.
*****
A few months after Steven's first transplant, I naively thought about all the ways we would celebrate him making it to a year... I wanted to include everyone that had supported us and helped us and cheered us on along the way. I wanted each and every person to be able to be thanked, appropriately, by us. I wanted us to celebrate the amazing care, concern and generosity shown to us by others, AND celebrate Steven's good health.
However, as we now know, that milestone wasn't to be reached, and a lesson was learned.
Even after seeing first hand the fragileness of life, I had, only months removed from a hospital, began planning the future as if it were guaranteed. Of all people, I should have known better. So much better.
However, I think that this is a flaw that most of us have. We are surrounded with news stories depicting tragedies everyday. We all know someone whose life was altered suddenly, without warning. And yet, we get up each day and expect to do the same tomorrow.
I am trying to be more aware and appreciative of each moment, regardless of how ordinary it is. Months went by that I longed for ordinary, and now, I am choosing to embrace it.
*****
As Saturday approached, no parties were planned. The year mark was ushered in quietly, but with incredible thankfulness. As I woke up next to my husband, I turned to him and wished him a "Happy Re-Birthday" and thought of how different the view was, one year later.
Steven got up and started getting ready for the day ahead.
You see, it is appropriate that on "Steven's day", the kids were the center of our attention and efforts as Steven wouldn't want it any other way. Our kids have always ranked Community Days just under "Christmas and birthdays" when it came to excitement and fun and incidentally, Conway was celebrating Community Days this past weekend, at the same time we, as a family, were celebrating Steven reaching his first big milestone.
We hadn't been able to go with the kids to Community Days for the previous two years, as Steven was in the hospital both times. This year was special as we were able to, once again, share this beloved tradition with our kids.
As the ride came to an end, he leaned over and said, "I love you, momma", and gave me a kiss right there on the carousel. My heart exploded into a million pieces. I wondered, had I not missed this tradition with my kids - two years in a row, if I would have taken the time to go stand in line and ride this child's ride with my son. Would I have stepped back and taken note of the importance of his invitation?
I will never know what my children would have been like had our lives not been altered the way they have. Has it changed them for the better? The worse? I am not sure.
I do know, however, that they have a daddy that will never take for granted his time with them and a mommy who is trying her very best to slow down enough to let them love her... I can not imagine having missed this weekend with my kids, and neither can Steven.
This time together was the very best "re-birthday" present ever and I hope this tradition never ends.
Weeks, marked off by trips to St. Louis, passed and gave way to months...and now we have found ourselves at the year mark. And it seems surreal.
*****
A few months after Steven's first transplant, I naively thought about all the ways we would celebrate him making it to a year... I wanted to include everyone that had supported us and helped us and cheered us on along the way. I wanted each and every person to be able to be thanked, appropriately, by us. I wanted us to celebrate the amazing care, concern and generosity shown to us by others, AND celebrate Steven's good health.
However, as we now know, that milestone wasn't to be reached, and a lesson was learned.
Even after seeing first hand the fragileness of life, I had, only months removed from a hospital, began planning the future as if it were guaranteed. Of all people, I should have known better. So much better.
However, I think that this is a flaw that most of us have. We are surrounded with news stories depicting tragedies everyday. We all know someone whose life was altered suddenly, without warning. And yet, we get up each day and expect to do the same tomorrow.
I am trying to be more aware and appreciative of each moment, regardless of how ordinary it is. Months went by that I longed for ordinary, and now, I am choosing to embrace it.
*****
As Saturday approached, no parties were planned. The year mark was ushered in quietly, but with incredible thankfulness. As I woke up next to my husband, I turned to him and wished him a "Happy Re-Birthday" and thought of how different the view was, one year later.
Steven got up and started getting ready for the day ahead.
You see, it is appropriate that on "Steven's day", the kids were the center of our attention and efforts as Steven wouldn't want it any other way. Our kids have always ranked Community Days just under "Christmas and birthdays" when it came to excitement and fun and incidentally, Conway was celebrating Community Days this past weekend, at the same time we, as a family, were celebrating Steven reaching his first big milestone.
We hadn't been able to go with the kids to Community Days for the previous two years, as Steven was in the hospital both times. This year was special as we were able to, once again, share this beloved tradition with our kids.
Lakyn and I sat with family and watched the parade, waiting for Steven and Blake to make their appearance.
Blake had recently purchased his own tractor with money that he had made selling his calves and was extremely excited to show it off at the parade. Steven rode beside Blake on an axel, allowing Blake to sit tall (and independently) in the driver's seat. As he drove past, enthusiastically waving at everyone, you would almost think that he was running for office, and I couldn't contain my smile... I joked with Blake about wearing out his arm waving, and he said he couldn't help it..."everyone is just SO nice!!"
And he is right. They are. If we have learned anything these past two years it is that, most people, are SO nice.
Of course, it wouldn't be Community Days without a turtle race and Steven had collected turtles for a week. In fact, Friday morning he retrieved one and it "bailed" off the back of his truck as he was bringing it home. Luckily we found it, in the driveway, and it's escape attempts were unsuccessful.
And, of course, returning home never gets old.
And he is right. They are. If we have learned anything these past two years it is that, most people, are SO nice.
Of course, it wouldn't be Community Days without a turtle race and Steven had collected turtles for a week. In fact, Friday morning he retrieved one and it "bailed" off the back of his truck as he was bringing it home. Luckily we found it, in the driveway, and it's escape attempts were unsuccessful.
Lakyn was unsure whether or not she would be considered "too old" to participate, but picked a turtle just in case. Luckily there were no age restrictions, and Lakyn wasn't too old, therefore we figured that Grady wasn't too young. This worked out nicely for Grady, since his turtle won it's "heat". At six months old, he made a smooth $6 in the turtle race, which wasn't too shabby.
Blake's turtle also won it's race, which increased his spending cash by $6 as well. However, that didn't last long since there is always something to spend your money (and your parent's money) on at Community Days.
As the boys loaded up to head home and rest a bit before coming back that evening, Lakyn and I bought a funnel cake and decided that it would be our "re-birthday cake". We ate it on the way home, following the boys, and our friends, Jerry and Sharon, the whole way home. The sight was something I enjoyed, and appreciated.
Blake's turtle also won it's race, which increased his spending cash by $6 as well. However, that didn't last long since there is always something to spend your money (and your parent's money) on at Community Days.
As the boys loaded up to head home and rest a bit before coming back that evening, Lakyn and I bought a funnel cake and decided that it would be our "re-birthday cake". We ate it on the way home, following the boys, and our friends, Jerry and Sharon, the whole way home. The sight was something I enjoyed, and appreciated.
Lakyn even climbed out the sun roof to capture the moment.
And, of course, returning home never gets old.
*****
Later in the afternoon, when we returned, Lakyn, who had been working at a booth raising money for her class trip to DC, continued to make sales.
Then, while taking a break, she walked over to me, in front of her friends, and gave me a hug - a good, long hug. Being in no hurry to break apart, she held me, or I held her (I am not sure which), for quite some time. It didn't escape my notice that my girl...my baby girl, was as tall as I was.
In that moment I wanted to cry at the realization of the all the things she had been through and the woman she was turning into, and I wanted to curse my inability to make time stand still
In that moment I wanted to cry at the realization of the all the things she had been through and the woman she was turning into, and I wanted to curse my inability to make time stand still
*****
Later that evening Blake asked me if I would ride the carousel with him, and I agreed. My heart warmed as he grabbed my hand and I couldn't help but realize that I am already on borrowed time. The fact that he hasn't already became "too cool" or "too big" for this is surprising, and I mentally vowed to imprint the feeling of his hand into my mind. And heart.
We waited in line and discussed which animal we wanted to get, and I decided that I wanted to ride the chicken. Although he was previously wanting the lion, he told me he wanted me to get to ride on the one I wanted.... As if it mattered. It was as though my sweet boy didn't realize that I didn't care about the carousel ride at all...I just wanted to be with him. Especially because he wanted to be with me.
We waited in line and discussed which animal we wanted to get, and I decided that I wanted to ride the chicken. Although he was previously wanting the lion, he told me he wanted me to get to ride on the one I wanted.... As if it mattered. It was as though my sweet boy didn't realize that I didn't care about the carousel ride at all...I just wanted to be with him. Especially because he wanted to be with me.
As the carousel took off I was surrounded by music from my high school days. Being physically unable to refrain from singing along with a song I know (it has to be an actual medical condition), I belted out the song while riding the carousel and found Blake just looking at me as then leaned over and rubbed my back. I smiled at him and asked if I was embarrassing him.
He claimed I wasn't, although I think he might have been trying to spare my feelings.
As he continued to rub my back and shoulders and look at me, I asked him why he was staring. He told me, in complete earnest, that he wasn't quite sure what he should be doing at this time... He didn't know if he should just watch me, or attempt to sing with me - even though he didn't know the song, and had decided that instead, he would just rub my back as I sang.
And so he did.
As he continued to rub my back and shoulders and look at me, I asked him why he was staring. He told me, in complete earnest, that he wasn't quite sure what he should be doing at this time... He didn't know if he should just watch me, or attempt to sing with me - even though he didn't know the song, and had decided that instead, he would just rub my back as I sang.
And so he did.
As the ride came to an end, he leaned over and said, "I love you, momma", and gave me a kiss right there on the carousel. My heart exploded into a million pieces. I wondered, had I not missed this tradition with my kids - two years in a row, if I would have taken the time to go stand in line and ride this child's ride with my son. Would I have stepped back and taken note of the importance of his invitation?
Honestly, I don't know. In fact, I don't know if Blake would have asked me to ride with him had our last two years been anything other than what they were. I don't know if Lakyn would hug me and hold on, despite being surrounded by friends. Maybe they would have already outgrown this need of me. Maybe they wouldn't understand and appreciate the presence of their parents.
I do know, however, that they have a daddy that will never take for granted his time with them and a mommy who is trying her very best to slow down enough to let them love her... I can not imagine having missed this weekend with my kids, and neither can Steven.
This time together was the very best "re-birthday" present ever and I hope this tradition never ends.
Community Days -2007
Community Days - 2009
Community Days - 2009
Community Days - 2010
Community Days - 2010
Community Days - 2012
Community Days - 2013
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