I am at a loss

You know how Thumper's mom said, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"?

Well, if you've noticed, I haven't said much lately.

Don't get me wrong. Vacation was great! In fact I am still amazed that my children rode over 1500 miles in the truck, only watched about an hour of a DVD, NEVER once napped and got along fabulously!

However, once home, I have found myself letting things (and people) get to me.

We could explore the depths as to why this is. Sometimes I am certain that it is me and that I know that I couldn't be that annoyed by behavior unless there was something else, some bigger issue, rooted deep within me.....other times I am quick to blame someone else. Anyone else.

This personality trait, or flaw, as it may be, bothers me.

I WANT to like everyone. I might even go as far as to say that I really, ultimately, would like to "Love Everybody".


But the harsh truth is that I don't.

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I think that as we get older we start realizing the importance of drawing closer to God. In doing that I realize that we are all called to live as He wishes us to. I think that this means that I AM supposed to love everybody.

I am at a loss when the adult part of myself (my mind) knows full well that everybody has issues and that those issues surface in different ways and in different needs, but the childlike part of myself (my heart), just wants to stomp my foot and point out how selfish, one-sided and hurtful, people can be.

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I am probably the farthest from perfect, than any person I know. I do things everyday that are completely wrong and disappointing to others, and most importantly, to God.

Sometimes I feel so stinkin' self-righteous when I know that I am anything but.

I do feel like that I am open about my shortcomings. I will be the first to point out my flaws and I will be honest and upfront about my mistakes. From my viewpoint, what you see is what you get.

But I have to wonder if my view is the same as others.

I see people that claim to be one way, and are not. I see people represent theirselves to one group in a way that makes them "fit" into that group and then change and present themselves in a different way to "fit" into another, or to gain recognition or praise. I know this stems from their longing to "belong", but still, I see it as dishonest and it festers and oozes resentment from me. Why can't I let it go?

However, who am I?

Do I only think that I am straight-forward, the same? Do people feel that I change, too, depending on the crowd? Do I remain true to myself and my values, or do I become what others want me to be?

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Lately, I have been consumed with this and have needed some sort of reconciliation, if only within myself.

Above all, I don't want to be a hypocrite, and I am sure that on some level, I am.

I want to deal better with myself and others.......yet I don't know where to start. All I know is that if I don't figure out a way to cope, I am only hurting myself.