Not crazy- just a little unwell

Let's be honest.

I'm a mess. 

Seriously.

A total mess.

I guess we all are on some level, mine just happens to be on several levels.

But if I know I'm crazy, I'm not that crazy.  Right?

Right?!

I haven't blogged for almost a month.

You know what else?

I haven't done much of anything else either.  Except eat.

Now, I don't mean that I haven't blogged because I haven't done anything to blog about.  Or that I have stopped doing my day to day activities.  Outwardly, my life has looked much the same this month, as it did months before.  We still had our weekly weenie roast.  We still went places, and the kids most definitely still said funny things.

Inwardly, I was stagnant.  Outwardly, I was eating three packages of snack cakes at a time.

It happens when I feel the fingers of anxiety itching up my spine. 

I hate it. 

My mind races and I tell it to be quiet, hoping that my false bravado kicks the anxiety to the curb and I actually fool myself into believing what I am saying.

Don't laugh.

Sometimes it actually works.

What is odd is that many times I honestly do not know what I am anxious about. Many times, the physical symptoms I experience, probably because of the anxiety, become the focus of my anxiety and therefore is given the credit of being the cause of the anxiety in the first place....which is, almost assuredly, not the case.

In layman's terms:  Anxiety turns me into a hypochondriac.

And when you turn into a hypochondriac, Google, my friends, is NOT your friend.

So, at the urging of one of my ACTUAL friends, not Google, I am making a list of conditions I may, or may not, have had, in the last month.

In no particular order:

Early onset dementia
Raynaud's disease
MS
Mini-stroke
Tumor in my nose
Fibromyalgia
ALS
Parkinsons
Sjogren's Syndrome
Alzheimers
Dry Mouth
Perimenopause

What is sad is that I am sure I am forgetting some.  Many of these are closely related, and who knows what the future holds, but I also know that the vast majority of my "symptoms" disappear after my anxiety goes back to normal.

(I.E.-I stop having violent jerks of my whole body when going to bed and trying to relax.)

(Relax?  What IS that?)

Actually, I think that I probably AM going through perimenopause.  And, although I don't believe I actually have a tumor in my nose (never really did believe that), I DO think that due to over zealous itching of my nose, during allergy attacks, I broke some cartilage or SOMETHING.  It is actually larger on one side and asymmetrical now.  And for those of you that know me, you know that there is nothing I would like more than a bigger nose.

Ahem.

And, of course, I noticed my nose while looking at my tounge (which was dry) and then noticed my lips were slanted to one side when I stuck my tongue out and figured that I must have had a mini-stroke at some point to make my mouth crooked, or at least, crooked when sticking my tongue out..and now that I was looking, my lips slant to one side, too.  When did that happen?

Yes.  It's a vicious cycle.

I have to say, the jerking at night did score me an awesome back-rub from my husband.  However, the next night he wanted to know when he got his.  And you know about guys and back rubs.....

Well...if you don't, I am not going to be the one to tell you.

One thing that I know about myself, and something that I want to actively change, is the way I pull back from everything except the worry.  It consumes me.  I force myself to go about my day and, if you were on the outside looking in, you would probably not know the difference.

I, however, do.  And the worry, well, it just feeds itself.  But the other aspects of your life don't.  They need to be nurtured.  Relationships, children, and myself.  Everything suffers when I am like this.  I go through the motions of life.  Nothing is experienced 100% and everything is just a varying shade of grey.

I can't fully devote my time and energy to anything but the worry.

One of my friends asked how often I had to deal with this. Thankfully, only once or twice a year. Oh, honestly, I worry all the time. But it isn't always debilitating.


I could feel the difference as the cloud of worry passed. It leaves as quickly as it comes.


For some people it never leaves.


I don't think this is what God planned for us.  One:  worry is futile.  He is in control.  Worrying will change nothing.  (Easy to say.  Harder to keep from doing.)  Two:  God wants us to be fully present with Him-at all times.  Admittedly, I am not great at being fully present with God when I am not worrying....let alone when I am.

I think I have prayer ADD.  God is probably as confused at the end of my prayers as I am.

"Dear God, please watch over my children and -I forgot to start the dishwasher - let them feel your love and goodness and let them -what am I going to wear to work tomorrow? - where was I?  Um, God, please keep Steven safe and be with those who - I just twitched again!  Geesh! - OK, keep me from my selfish ways and - what am I going to fix for supper tomorrow night? - .........."

It goes on and on.  Be glad you don't live in my mind.

I am not proud.

It is something I want to work on, and work through.  Not around.

Although I don't wish for the cloud to return, I think that I am genetically pre-disposed to expect, and be "gifted with", it's arrival.   However, my prayer needs not to be that it passes me by, but that I can learn how to cope with it when it comes.  I want to be thankful to God in all times.   Not just the times when His presence is obvious. In the laughter and the love.   I want to seek Him in the times my life feels gray and cold.  And to thank Him when it doesn't.

I don't want anyone in my life to ever wonder what it would have been like if I would have only experienced it - life - "in color".