Thursday, February 25, 2010

Control, Alt, Delete

This morning I was feeling a little cocky.

Yep. I mean, anyone who knows me knows that I rarely am on time - to work. Mornings are hectic. Kids are sleepy. Time goes too fast.

This morning, however, was different.

I woke up late, yet somehow, some way, everything fell into place.

I woke L and she promptly dressed herself. She wanted her hair in braids and viola, first time the part was straight, her cowlick didn't protest and we were well on our way to a good morning.

B began to dress himself and I was moving along smoothly as well.

What do you know....we even had time for a hot breakfast.

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For Lent I had decided to give up my morning music in the car. I spend generally 20 minutes in the morning commuting to work and I felt this time would be better spent praying, meditating, and generally focusing on how God is working in my life. It is so easy to get caught up in the day to day and I needed something to center me.

The first day of Lent I realized how severe my (self diagnosed) "Prayer ADHD" is. I started praying for people, being mindful of their needs and my intentions towards them, and before I knew it I was constructing a grocery list in my head. I have no idea when I shifted from one to the other.

I need to fix this.

Anyway....

As I drove B to daycare I could hear that one of my doors wasn't completely shut. However, once I turned off the car I promptly forgot all about it. When I noticed B was climbing out without his coat I walked to the front seat and retrieved it and noticed that door was ajar.

"Thank you Lord", I thought. I knew that if he hadn't orchestrated those events as he had I would be half-way down the highway kicking myself for not shutting the door and wondering if my door was going to fly open.

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After returning to my car I started pulling out of the lower drive of the daycare. Generally, I go to the second drive because there is always a line of cars waiting to pull into the school directly across from the first drive. This morning there were no cars in sight, until I pulled up to the road.

At that exact moment cars materialized almost out of thin air. I was getting ready to back up and move to the second drive when I noticed little hands on a school bus frantically waving back and forth. Yep. It was my L. With much enthusiasm and gusto I waved back trying to convey to her that I was as excited to see her (although it had only been 20 minutes since she boarded the bus) as she was to see me.

As I backed to the second drive and pulled out onto the road I looked at the situation with my mind and heart open and felt that surely God must have wanted me to be blocked in, albeit temporarily, so that I could warm my little girls heart and she could warm mine.

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For the next 20 minutes I tried to remain on task and focused in prayer. Honestly it seems as if much of my time is spent consciously trying to remain "on task" as it is spent being still.

Regardless of my struggle I knew that I was trying and felt that the morning had went well and was excited to see how apparent God is when you are looking for Him and how obvious His intentions are. I tried to get rid of the guilt I feel for not knowing how to pray passionately.

Maybe it is the Catholic in me......
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My excitement quickly was overshadowed by aggravation not moments after arriving at work.

After answering the phone...".....Funeral Home" I hear a voice asking for Kim and I say, "This is she".

After verifying my home address and phone number and then being notified that my call was being recorded the lady informs me that I have an outstanding balance at the local hospital and wanted to know how I planned on resolving it.

What?

It took a moment to figure out what exactly she was speaking of and then it occurred to me that she must be referring to the charges that were incurred when L had her tonsils removed.

So, I stated, "It would be easier to resolve if you would actually send me a bill."

She claimed she had sent three.

I asked her to review the billing departments phone records and she would notice that I had even recently contacted them to inquire why I hadn't received anything in the form of a bill. The lady laughed at the time and stated that it wasn't often that people were calling wanting to pay..... and I said that it wasn't necessarily that I wanted to pay but that I didn't want to assume that it was still hung up in insurance all the while the hospital was expecting payment.

She assured me that it was still being processed by the insurance company and that I was in no way past due.

Apparently no one informed the nice lady that called me AT WORK this morning!

She hung up after she stated she would send me yet another bill.

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So here I sit. Everything in me wants to call and ask for her supervisor and inquire why I was contacted at work and why they had never called my house (if in fact they had sent me the other bills). I thankfully work at a place where the people know me and know my financial beliefs. They know that I pay my bills and pay them on time.

However, it could very easily have not been that way.

Did I mention that I just can't get over the fact that they called me at work?

Maybe it is the "Prayer ADHD" but I am having a hard time clearly seeing how God wants me to handle this. This time it doesn't seem as obvious. Maybe because I don't want it to be.

I am guessing he just wants me to shut up and pay the bill.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Week 3

Ok. Discouragement has officially set in.

Yesterday was my third weigh in.

I got on the scale, looked at the number, and got right back off.

Down 1 lb. THAT'S ALL!

I shook my head and got back on, this time the number looking back at me seemed to taunt me, showing that I had lost 3.5 lbs., and breaking me past a little mental goal I had set.

Still, although I wanted to take that number and run, I knew that the first number and the doubt it brought with it would still be lingering in my head.

So, I did what any nuerotic person would do and I showered, dried my hair, and weighed again, completely naked.

This time...it said I was down 1.5 lbs.

Geesh.

Try as I may, this time the scale wouldn't change. I even picked it up and moved it to another spot on the floor.

No change.

I repositioned my feet and sucked in.

No change.

I guess that means that this week..week 3...I lost 1.5 lbs.

At this rate I should be at my goal weight by....oh....2012.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

What can't you have?

A couple of nights ago I took B to urgent care. Nothing big. Everything turned out fine.

However, while sitting there I thought about the last time we were at the doctors office and it made me smile.

Odd, huh? Smiling in a doctors office?

You see, B still has a tube left in one of his ears. The other has already fallen out.

They have been great...

However, in November, B started having drainage from the ear with the tube. Thick, oozy, waxy drainage.

When it was apparent that something was indeed amiss, I decided to take him on in to the doctor.

This was at the height of the swine flu scare and I really wanted to be anywhere other than the doctors office. I had decided against getting my children vaccinated for it, but I wasn't exactly wanting to just throw caution to the wind either.

All the way to the clinic I schooled B on the importance of not touching ANYTHING. He was to sit in my lap, not touch anything, read the books WE brought, not touch anything, and sanitize our hands repeatedly. Did I mention that we weren't supposed to touch anything?

Anyway, he did great. After we had finished our first book we were called back to the exam room. Again, I told him not to touch anything.

He didn't.

The doctor came in and examined him, noted that he did indeed have an ear infection and we started talking about the fact that the tubes had been in almost a year longer than preferred.

After we had come to the conclusion to leave them in a bit longer, I turned to B to get him and get ready to leave.

What I found was this:

My child, my FOUR YEAR OLD child, had turned around on the exam table, got up on his knees, craned his neck and STUCK OUT HIS TOUNGE and touched the tip of it to the baby mobile that was mounted to the wall.

I am not kidding.

I have no idea what in the world he was doing or why.....

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The more I thought about it, the more I realized that he felt like me on this diet.

Yep. I have done so well.....I haven't touched anything.

But soon...and very soon, I have the feeling that my tounge is going to want to stick out and touch something that it shouldn't.

I mean, come on, isn't that human nature?

To want what you aren't supposed to have?

Even if it is just a taste of a germ infested baby mobile.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Week 2

No. I didn't forget. I wish I could

Yesterday was weigh in.

I lost 3 lbs this past week, for a total of 7.

I know, I know. I should be happy, and I am.

But, this eating right stinks and as deprived as I am feeling I think I should have lost upwards of 20 lbs.

Wishful thinking, huh?

Anyway....I continue on.

No pop. No sweetened drinks and 21 pts a day.

Yay me!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

1 week

So...it has been one week since signing up for Weight Watchers online and honestly, I haven't cheated once.

Of course, it IS only the first week.

I know that there isn't a quick fix but I was hoping for a little more progress in the scale department.

I have lost a total of 4 lbs even.

I was kinda hoping for more in the first week since I am well aware that it slows down after that. I also know that I need to get to moving and jump on the exercise bandwagon....but it is so hard! Especially when existing on 1050 calories a day (more or less).

So, in the meantime, I will enjoy my fiber bars and dill pickles.

Joy.

Friday, February 05, 2010

Leftovers....

Over at Bina's I read where she was participating in posting leftovers....

You know, old posts that maybe should be reposted. Ones that hit home.

So, because I am my worst critic, I decided to post what others had commented that they thought was my best post.

And, because I don't want to take the time to copy and paste, please click here to read it.

Hope you enjoy.

(It was originally posted July 2009)

Thursday, February 04, 2010

Sunscreen

I did it!

I joined Weight Watchers online and gave up pop -even diet- on the same day.

I weighed yesterday morning and saw a number never before seen on my scale.

It is time for change.

Going through my high school pictures I noticed how, this time looking at them, I wasn't as critical about my weight.

My hair? Yes.

My weight? No.

(Cue "Sunscreen" song.... 'You are not as fat as you imagine".....)

When looking at these pictures I see the face of the girl who was never satisified with herself. A girl who wore too much make-up and had too big hair, all in an effort to cover up who I really was.

I still do that to some point.

My hair is still pretty big. I definitely haven't given up make-up. And I am still insecure.

However, I feel more like I am the person I am supposed to be, more than I ever have before. Don't get me wrong, there are still times I do a mental slap to the head while thinking "Did I say that?!", or feel that I am the odd man out.

Bottom line: There are still things I want to change.

Some of the things are internal...others are clearly external.

That is why yesterday I made a commitment. One I pray I keep.

I don't want to shy away from pictures. I don't want to feel like crying EVERY time I see my image somewhere other than the mirror.

I WANT to change.

I hope this desire carries me on through.

That and you. Yeah. You. Considering that I don't have meetings to attend, you are all my support group.

All two of you. Or one.

(You never know....)

So, I am journaling my progess here. (Or lack thereof). For everyONE to see.

Yesterday's weight: 1(X)0.2 (You didn't actually think I would put it in writing, did you? I am not to THAT place, yet. Maybe in time. Just insert whatever single digit number you would like to in place of the X. Hey! Be nice.)

Wish me luck!

-For those that don't remember....the lyrics to the Suncreen song are below:

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99
(change to 1994)
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…
I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….
You’re not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind;
the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you
Sing
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts,
don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss
Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…
the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults;
if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.
Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t,
maybe you’ll have children,maybe you won’t,
maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary
…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either –
your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.
Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…
don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it,
it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own..

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get,
the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard;
live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths: prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you.
Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen…